Sunday, May 29, 2011

Sneak Attack Emotional Day

Have you ever just had one of those sneak attack emotional days creep up on you? And asked yourself, "Where the heck did that come from?!" This past week, completely unexpected, I was just overcome with a wave of emotions over our adoption process, consumed with thoughts about Isa and his birth mom. I'm not sure if it was the accumulation of finding myself emotionally invested in several friend's adoption process's (one of which I posted below that traveled to ET to meet their son this week) or maybe it was just good ole' PMS (just throwing that out there, because it's a darn good possibility)- but this past Tuesday was a doozy on my heart!

I found myself questioning whether we were crazy for even being on this unpredictable roller coaster of a journey (which I actually do often if I'm being honest here- but it's normally my late night anxiety that will trigger those thoughts- this was a middle of the day legitimate freak out moment). Fears and doubts that this whole adoption process is actually going to pan out consumed me. All the unknowns with the Ethiopia program were exaggerated in my head and I questioned whether or not we were foolish to stay the course. I broke down in tears over the fact that I have NO IDEA if Isa is even born yet and the gut wrenching reality, that if he is, I can't help him at this point. To be completely real, I was tired of praying for a faceless child, that I know nothing about, I just felt stuck. God's timing and mine were not jiving on Tuesday, that's for sure! I cried and had a little chat with God letting Him know I wasn't a fan of waiting and I wasn't super thrilled about all the unknowns of this process either. I love that my God is big enough to hear me whine. My mom always told me growing up, "God's a big God, He can handle your anger/frustration/fears!" (o;

My little "chat" with God was good for me. I think too often my gut reaction is to try to hash through my feelings on my own or call up a friend and talk about it. I wonder how often God is just waiting on me to hash it out with Him first? For pete's sake Hilary, He listens and cares more then anyone else in the world! So after laying out the ugly emotions that were consuming me, I felt a strange sense of peace. I felt God nudging me to remember, to remember how He's so perfectly orchestrated all the details so far. To hang on the truth that He's at work, in the unseen. He's got this. Isa is His child. He loves Isa more then I do. He knows where Isa is this very moment. He knows the perfect time that Isa will join our family. He's at work. Remember His faithfulness.

I say all of this, because I want to be transparent and real. Not to scare off any potential adopting family, that's for sure! But I'll shoot you straight... There are crappy days where the adoption process flat out sucks (sorry if that's a bad word in your house, and no, we don't say it in front of Jude (o:) ! BUT I want to be very clear in saying that... the good days FAR OUTWAY the crazy emotional ones! It's those crazy emotional days, like I had on Tuesday, that draw you back to remembering God's goodness and faithfulness! Remembering God's goodness, leads to praising God for His goodness, and praising Him puts everything back into perspective! Quite honestly, it makes my doubts look flat out silly when I compare them with all the amazing ways God has had His hand on our lives over the past year!


  1. Thank you for this post. My family and I have just started the adoption process for Ethiopia as well. We started after all the timing uncertainties happened there in March - people think we're crazy. But that is the country God laid on our hearts. And I times, I vent to everyone else BUT God. Thanks for that friendly reminder that I need to run to him first. Praying that He soothes you.

  2. I love your honesty Hilary. Last week I had a day like that that just feels overwhelming. On those days, I always think of the song, "He's Always Been Faithful" by Sara Groves. It's a modern version of "Great is Thy Faithfulness." One of the lines that's my favorite says, "I can't remember a trial or a pain He did not recycle to bring me gain. I can't remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting His hand."

  3. Hilary, it is HARD. That's the reality of this process, it beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. I think it has shown me more a about how God feels about his children than anything else ever has. I know I don't have to tell you that it's worth it, you know that. When you meet Isa for the first time it will all make sense, all the heart ache, all the waiting, everything because that's what it takes for you to get the referral of the little baby boy that God has so perfectly planned for your family. We sat around one night in Ethiopia talking about how every child fit so perfectly with each family, if you flipped any of them to a different family is just would not make sense. It sounds crazy to say that but it's so true. The fact that these children are given up at the exact time they are then put into a government orphanage that feeds into HH then their paper work becomes ready and they do get sent to HH all right when you are waiting is a true miracle. Praying for you friend, it is so so so hard.

  4. So honest & raw, you for that...can't imagine what the waiting feels like...but you know that it's all in God's perfect timing--you've told me that! ...and you're living that out...appreciate your openness...praying for you and love you so much!

  5. Hilary... you are a gem, friend. I love your honest, beautiful heart. and it IS hard. aand the future is never known. And GOD is soooo ready to hear your frustrations... in fact... I believe He LOVES them... because it is your own spirit growning inside for Him. Its honest. and Good. And that is WHAT He is. Anyways... love to you friend. and one day... you will be holding your little one and remembering back to this day.


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