ONE... what a fabulous number!!!! EEEK!

This past Friday afternoon I was taking big ole' Izzy, the Great Pyrenees dog that lives across the street from us, for a walk. We dog-sit for her when our neighbors are out of town- she's seriously like a pony! Anyway, I was on the other side of our subdivision when I decided to pull my phone out of my pocket and give Joshua a quick call. Him and Jude were about to head to Walmart and I was hoping to catch him and ask if he'd pick up some flavored drink packets while they were there (because, let's just be honest, we all know flavored water tastes so much better than the plain stuff). But before I could call I noticed I had apparently missed a call, which I thought was strange because I had never heard it ring.  I took one look at who my missed call was from and stopped dead in my tracks! It was from a fellow adopting friend of mine, Emma. You see, Emma isn't just "another adopting friend of mine" she's THE gal who is directly in front of us on the wait list! Over the past several months, we've developed a unique friendship entirely based on texts and FB messages. We pray for our babies and encourage one another as we wait and desperately try to be patient trusting in God's perfect timing. Between Emma and my sweet friend Allison,  we check in with each other almost every other day! (I'll share Allison and I's special friendship for another post but just so you know, she's #2 on the girl's list, neck and neck with us!) To most, it might seem like communicating only through texts and FB messages would be impersonal, but I'm telling you, words can't express what a blessings these gals are in my life! No doubt the fact that we're all in the same boat and "get it" automatically connects us on a deeper level! Several months ago Emma and I had established an agreement that when she got THE CALL for her son, she would call me, no matter what time it was, and let me know. That way I would know that we had moved into the ever coveted #1 spot on the list, and I could celebrate with her that she finally got to see her son's face for the very first time!!! So you can imagine my excitement when I saw I had a missed CALL from her, NOT a text, but a CALL!!!!  I knew exactly what it meant! I quickly listened to her voice mail, hanging up half way through it, because I just wanted to hurry up and call her back and talk to her in person. As the phone rang and I waited for her to answer, it was as if time stood still and a wave of pure joy flooded my heart. Genuine excitement, for a gal who I had never actually talked to, consumed every fiber of my being! Prayers had been answered and on this day, there was one less orphan in the world and my sweet friend Emma had become a mama! Before she even picked up on the other end of the line happy tears were rolling down my face... as I stood on the street corner in my neighborhood, pony in hand, I'm sure looking ridiculous! Y'all when she answered, all I could hear was the joy of a mama who had waiting almost 3 years to meet her son! Pure greatness!!!! GOD IS GOOD.

I hung up with her and immediately the realization that her referral meant that WE WERE #1 ON THE LIST!!!! I think up until this point, I honestly thought my worst nightmare was coming true and we would have come all this way only to be FOREVER  stuck at #2! I almost needed to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming and that it was true, the #1 spot was finally ours!  Then it hit me, "Oh my gosh! I have to tell Joshua!!!!" Hoping that I could catch them before they left for Walmart, I start running back to our house... in flip flops... tears streaming down my face... with a pony dragging behind me (I looked ridiculous, but could care less, I was on a mission to tell my boys the good news!). Sure enough, my awesome flip flop running skills payed off and as I rounded the corner into our cul-de-sac, here came our old Ford Focus with my boys in it! I waved them down, met them in the road, and was able to share the best news yet about our adoption... we were  FINALLY #1!!!!!!!!!! Both Joshua and Jude were absolutely thrilled! Jude started chanting from the back seat, "Isa! Isa! Isa!" as if he were at a sporting event. Oh how this boy can't wait to be a big brother!!! Such a good day... and day filled with hope that we really are in the homestretch of this journey!

This means THE call could come any day now and I'm just sayin', if I'm this excited and emotional about being #1, I can only imagine the hot mess I will be when the actual call

Went on the waitlist at #71 in Oct 2010 and now we sit at #1!

comes and we see Isa's face for the very first time! I get teary just thinking about it, sheesh! I'm carrying my phone on me at all times, checking and re-checking it, just to make sure I didn't miss a call, because I mean after all, I missed Emma's call?! It could happen, so it's important to check it every 10 minutes or so, right?! I stare at it and try and will it to ring, which hasn't worked yet, but it won't stop me from continuing to try! The call could come tomorrow or it may be several more weeks, but for the sake of my sanity, I sure hope it's sooner than later! (o: Isa buddy, we sure can't wait to meet you! Longest pregnancy EVER but not doubt it will be worth every minute!!!

A note to Isa

Isa,

Buddy... I just need you to know how incredibly anxious/excited we are to know that it won't be too much longer before we see your precious face! We're officially #2 on the wait list right now and I can't help but feel in my soul that the time is near that we'll get "the call" that will forever change our lives!!! I find myself day dreaming about what you'll look like. Your tiny hands and chubby feet. Every sweet little brown baby I see, when I'm out and about, I catch myself gazing at (which I'm sure it awkward to the parent of the child), longing for the day that I'm the one out and about with MY sweet little brown baby... YOU! I try and imagine what your little personality will be like. Will you be soft spoken and shy like your brother Jude or full of spunk and outgoing?! The one thing I'm certain of is we love you already, without even knowing a single detail about you!!! We love the way that our journey to you has opened our eyes and hearts to God's love in fresh new ways! This journey has strengthened our faith in the Lord, rooted our dependency in Christ alone, and changed our family for the better! God is using your story in mighty ways for the kingdom already Isa!

I pray for you every day, trusting that God is holding you in the palm of His hand, protecting you, meeting your every need, and surrounding you with unconditional love. I pray that in the depths of your being, that there is an unexplainable peace rooted in your heart that you have a forever family waiting on you... wanting you... and loving you... and most importantly, I pray that you feel God's love.

Your mama loves you so much! Just wanted you to know! Happy Easter Isa!

2 years

Exactly 2 years ago today, after months of tackling paperwork and raising funds, we were finally added to the much anticipated boy wait list with our adoption agency! We started at #71 on the list... and today we sit at #4!!! I could go on and on about the crazy amazing stories God has written in this 2 year window, but what brings my heart the most joy is knowing that 67 little orphan boys have been given a forever family since we were added to the list! This wait sure seems long some days, but I rest in the truth that God is busy placing the lonely in families and I'm confident He's writing a story of restoration and redemption right now for our sweet Isa! I love that He makes all things beautiful! Can't wait to see our sweet babes face!


Hil

Lifeguard Maddy

So clearly my lack of time is totally effecting my blog writing! Part of me feels guilty and wants to apologize for the lack of updates and promise to do better and make a point to blog more often... BUT who I am kidding and who the heck am I apologizing too?! So I'll take this moment to remind myself that I have been doing LIFE and LIFE comes before writing! If I was sitting around being lazy and twiddling my thumbs that would be one thing- but no siree bob, I'm one busy mama! At the end of the day, I think the little nagging guilty feeling isn't because I unrealistically think that I have readers who I owe an apology to, rather it's that I want to make sure that I adequately document all the amazing things that God is doing throughout our journey. For Isa's sake... and for mine! So often I forget about God's goodness, an answered prayer, His divine intervention... but if I have it written down, than I can reflect back over His faithfulness and once again stand in awe. So my prayer is that despite this season of busyness and the inability to write as often as I'd like- that God's goodness would remain fresh on my mind! May the incredible details that He is weaving together to bring Isa home and to transform our family never loose their awesomeness, whether written down or not!

All that being said, I would not want to leave a good God story unfinished, so I'll share with you part 2 from my last blog post!....

To catch you up real quick, the gist of part 1 of the story is this... I received an email from a friend, that was intended to share with me how God had been at work over the past 2 years transforming her heart from a place of bitterness to a place of beauty. But because of my emotional, insecure self, I got hung up on one line in her email about the fact that our fundraising had rubbed her the wrong way initially.  After "pout praying" (yes, that's a real term)  I re-read her email a couple times, asking for God's perspective, where He revealed, once again that His story is far bigger than mine- and that He will use our life how He sees fit (even in ways that make us uncomfortable) so that He can restore hope and healing to the broken! It was the following pout prayer that took place and got me to the point of seeing things through God's lens...

"God, Seriously, if SHE thought this, then no doubt, EVERYBODY does! Oh my gosh, how many other people are walking around out there thinking that we have some sort of expectation that they should pay for our life!? I'm not even kidding God, I'm so tired of fundraising!!!"

(then the overwhelming realization that if/when we move to Zambia, we'll have to be raising support there too came crashing down on me!)

"AHHH!!! GRRR!!! God, I know it seems like you're paving the way for us to get to Africa once Isa gets home, but UGH, I do NOT want to be a missionary and have to raise support for the rest of our lives! You hear me right?! I'm done! (insert pout, whine, pout, whine!). For real God, if this Zambia thing is where you're taking us, I need some serious clarity... and a paycheck would be nice too!" 

 

 I can only assume that because my emotions were blowing everything out of proportion, I instinctively pulled the "Africa card" out on God. The truth is, this gal's email mentioned nothing of us raising support in the future if/when we get to Africa- but I figured while I was on a role letting God know the parameters in which He could use me, I might as well make it crystal clear to Him that I was less than excited about any future support raising possibilities!

All that being said, after re-reading her email through God's lens, I began to have a sense of peace about the whole thing. You see, God could have stopped there- He could have just left me with a new perspective and that would have been sufficient. But He didn't. He poured more peace on my soul that day! Remember how I begged for some serious clarity about Zambia if that's where He would take us?!...

 

We decided to head to the neighborhood pool as a family later that afternoon- at this point, I had pulled myself together and was totally up for a some quality family time and suntanning (I'm always up for both those things!). Joshua, Jude and I had gotten out of the water for lunch and were eating our packed picnic on some lawn chairs. I noticed a young girl lifeguard approaching us that I had never seen before. (If you know me at all, than you know that the lifeguard instructor that lives inside of me makes me keenly aware of every lifeguard at the pool! I critique their skills, or lack there of, behind their back and regularly point out to Joshua, or anyone who will listen for that matter, which lifeguards are quality and which lifeguards are crappy. It's horrible, I know.) All that to say, all summer long, I had never seen this lifeguard girl before. She walked straight up to us and the following conversation took place...

 

Lifeguard:  Mr. Helms?

Joshua: Hey there! 

Lifeguard: I don't know if you remember me, my name is Maddy, and I was one of your students  like 3 years ago?"

(Keep in mind this happens to us A LOT when we're out and about- it's just a given when have a husband for a teacher/coach! The uncomfortable thing is that Joshua is HORRIBLE at remembering names and faces, so half the time he just smiles and goes with it.)

Joshua: Yes, Maddy! I remember you! (he was being honest here... this time!) How are you?

Lifeguard Maddy: Good! I just wanted to come say hi to you guys, I saw you walk in here to the pool a little bit ago and I had been thinking of your family! I heard that you guys are thinking about moving to Zambia?!

(At this point I totally perk up wondering how in the world this mysterious lifeguard girl had heard anything about us moving to Zambia?!)

Joshua: Yeah, we are! How did you know that?!

Lifeguard Maddy: Well, just last week I was actually IN ZAMBIA on a mission trip with my church! We worked with a place called Lifesong for Orphans along side of Mitzi and Shane McBride! We would have dinner in the evenings at the McBride's house and one night I saw your family picture hanging on their refrigerator! I told Mitzi, "Hey! That guy used to be my teacher!" And Mitzi shared that you guys are actually praying about moving out there to work along side of them!

Me (you know I had to chime in here!): Seriously Maddy?! That's crazy! Yes, we have been praying for quite awhile about moving there to work with them! Things are still up in the air with everything because we're waiting on our adoption, and we can't make any big commitments until we get our Isa home. That's crazy though that you saw our picture on their fridge! (Hold up! Had God seriously just put a teenage girl right in front of me to speak peace into my heart?! For goodness sakes, she had just been to the EXACT same place/ministry in Zambia that we're praying about moving to and she's coming to talk to us on the EXACT same day that I was begging God for clarity?! Uhm, YES that's the way my God rolls!)

Lifeguard Maddy: Well, I just feel like I need to tell you that it is TRULY AMAZING THERE! The kids are awesome, the work they're doing there is awesome, and the McBride's are awesome! It was truly a life changing trip and I can't wait to go back! I'm actually praying about applying for an internship there right now! Who knows, maybe we'll all be there together someday?! 

The conversation went on for a couple more minutes about her time there and how God had used it to change her forever. All the while sweet lifeguard Maddy completely unaware of the fact that God was using her to speak peace to my heart! Ironically, she shared her fears (and her parent's fears) about the task of raising support if she did decided to go over there as an intern. It was if God whispered, "Now... it's your turn Hilary to bring peace to her heart".  I was able to encourage her to never let support raising get in the way of your obedience to go and do what God asks of you! I genuinely shared that while it's hard and uncomfortable, God will bless it richly and use it in ways you never thought imaginable! 

She thanked me for my encouragement and said, "Well, who knows?! Maybe we'll all be working there together one day! I'm so glad I came over to talk to you guys, I just knew when I saw you guys walk in today that I needed to come talk to you!"

Oh sweet "mysterious lifeguard that I've never seen before Maddy", if you only knew how God used you that day! Coincidental that you felt the need to come talk to us, I think not! Thank you God for using Maddy that Thursday afternoon in August to reassure me that you are indeed alive and well! You are indeed alive and well and at work in Zambia, at Lifesong, with the McBride's... and if it takes a teenage girl to travel half way across the world to see our family picture on a refrigerator, so that you can later use her to speak encouraging truth into our lives- than so be it! YOUR ARE WORTH FOLLOWING, no matter the costs, even if we have to raise support for the rest of our lives. Thanks for the clarity God. I stand in awe.

Hil

 

 

 

 

In Facets Unseen

Last week I received an email that quite honestly stirred up a mix of emotions inside of me. The gist of it is this... a friend emailed me to let me know that for the past 2+ years God has been working on her heart in some pretty significant ways. Unbeknownst me, when we first "announced" that we were going to be adopting, the fact that we would be fundraising, left her negatively thinking, "Wow! So they're adopting and wanting all of us to pay for it?"... Here me when I say, when I read her honesty in admitting that this was her initial thought, MY HEART COMPLETELY SUNK! First off, it is my worst nightmare for ANYONE to think for a second that we have ANY expectation that someone should give! I'll be the first to say that fundraising & raising support is NOT at the top of my fun list, and there have been many days I've cried over how uncomfortable it makes me feel. BUT no matter what, I KNOW it is God who placed the burden of adoption on our hearts and when we prayed and asked for how the heck we were suppose to financially come up with the means to do it, we felt like God told us to simply "let the need be known and watch Him provide".

I tend to think that I have a pretty good radar for the people that probably are taken back by our life choices and those who think we might be a little crazy (or really crazy for that matter) for fundraising for our adoption. Here's the deal though, this email completely threw me for a loop because this gal was someone I would have NEVER pegged for thinking this! I was floored! Clearly my radar was way off! I was clueless that she ever had a single negative thought about our adoption! Side note: I'd be lying if I said that it didn't bother me that inevitably there will be people that are rubbed wrong by our fundraising, (heck I had one lone stranger negatively comment on a blog post almost 2 years ago, and it still bothers me! I've often thought I'd like to sit down with this person over coffee and try and explain myself in hopes that they would change their mind and like me and not think I'm a free-loader once they hear me out! Can you tell I'm a people pleaser?!) That being said, I know I will never have the approval of everyone and ultimately at the end of the day, it'll be God that I stand before, and I KNOW it's His approval that is most important!

 I feel shallow in admitting that the rest of her email was a bit of a blur at the time as I was still stuck on her initial thought being, "Wow! So they're adopting and wanting all of us to pay for it?" I cringed that she ever thought this! I walked away from the computer with a flood of insecurities eating at me... which prompted the following (super mature) conversation with God...

"Seriously, if SHE thought this, then no doubt, EVERYBODY does! Oh my gosh, how many other people are walking around out there thinking that we have some sort of expectation that they should pay for our life!? I'm not even kidding God, I'm so tired of fundraising!!!" 

(then the overwhelming realization that if/when we move to Zambia, we'll have to be raising support there too came crashing down on me!)

"AHHH!!! GRRR!!! God, I know it seems like you're paving the way for us to get to Africa once Isa gets home, but UGH, I do NOT want to be a missionary and have to raise support for the rest of our lives! You hear me right?! I'm done! (insert pout, whine, pout, whine!). For real God, if this Zambia thing is where you're taking us, I need some serious clarity... and a paycheck would be nice too!"

It's funny how in re-writing how that little "chat" went down, I sound a lot like a bratty teenager who is throwing a hissy fit over not getting my way! Yes, I'm a 31 year old grown women...  apparently with an insecure, overwhelmed, people pleasing, teenage girl who lives inside me!

I love how God, regardless of our approach, always seems to gently speak back with His subtle nudge that is easy to miss if you're not seeking it. After I spewed all my worries and complaints, I managed to somehow tune into His whisper (which is becoming more familiar to me the more I beg for His will in my life), "Read her email again. Not through YOUR eyes Hilary, but through MINE"... and so I prayed for God to help give me His perspective, to help me read her words through His lens and not my own emotional lens. As I re-read her email probably three or four times, it was as if God had gone through it with a yellow highlighter and underlined and drew my attention to each line that had His love written all over it!

Suddenly new lines captured my heart...

"And that began sort of a spiritual revival in my heart"

 "2+ years later the Lord has given me a new song to sing.  A song about my own adoption into his family.  A song about his heart for "the least of these."  A song about the sacrifice that families and people make to follow the heart of Jesus." 

" a beautiful weaving of our lives and stories together"

" He used you and your faithfulness to open my eyes to the selfishness and pride in my life"

"He has redeemed what was once very, very dark and broken"

You see, the point of her email wasn't ever intended for my self-centered insecurities to get stuck on that one line, "Wow! They're adopting and wanting everyone else to pay for it?".... the point of her email was to share how God had redeemed and restored her from that initial thought! This email wasn't about ME at all, but about the beautiful work God has been doing the past couple years in her life!

God is revealing to me that sometimes my life may need to rub someone the wrong way, in order for Him to get to work in their heart. Sometimes I may not like the way God uses me to accomplish His bigger plan, but I just need to get over myself and rest in the truth that His plan is far greater than my own! He is a God of healing and restoration and drawing people back to Himself, and if He chooses to use our story, even in a way I don't necessarily like initially, than so be it!

It's amazing how one's perspective can change so quickly when we ask to see a situation through God's lens! He is at work in facets unseen every day in our lives! Last week, I was just given the privilege to catch a glimpse into one of the ways He's using our adoption journey (even the dreaded fundraising) for His bigger purpose!

That same day, God continued to show off, pouring His peace into my heart, revealing His perspective into my life. But this post is getting a little lengthy, so I'll wait and share the second half of the story for another day! It's good stuff!

Hil

 

God knew...

 

Well, it's official... I'm completely out of the swing of things when it comes to knocking out blog posts! I'm not sure why I feel the obligation to let everyone know why I've put blog writing on the back burner, but my hunch is that it has something to do with the people pleasing side of me that worries about what others think. For some reason I fear that there is one lone person out there that might assume there is a direct correlation between my lack of blog posts written and me having a lack of passion or interest in all that God is doing in our lives! Rest assured, more now than ever before, I am passionate and invested in our adoption journey and I am in awe of God's faithfulness! I have never had such peace about God's timing and His divine orchestrating of every detail as I do now! The sole reason I have completely slacked at posting is because life has been cRaZy nutty here this summer and all the twists and turns that come with it, have made sitting down to write be the least of my worries! 

Here's a quick update of the past 2 months and all it's happenings!....

Needless to say this has not been the "summer break" Jude (or his mommy and daddy) had hoped for! He has spent more time out of commission with being sick rather than doing any summertime playing! I think we'd all agree, that's no fun for a 5 year old, summers are suppose to be spent on the slip'n slide and running barefoot until dark. So we are all more than ready for him to be back and at 'em for good! 

 It all started in June when Jude came down with a strange virus that lasted for a solid 10 days. We were at a loss for what was going on with his poor little body! First we thought he had just come down with strep again (7 times in the past 12 months, and we've unfortunately become pros at strep throat!). What threw us for a loop this go around, since it had never happened previously with his strep, was that day 2, he woke up vomiting (side note: we've managed to make it 5 years without him throwing up, which I think deserves a high five- but this also meant we had one scared little boy who didn't understand what the heck was happening to his body- boo to throwing up! It's NO FUN!). We thought that maybe he had caught the stomach bug on top of having strep, and although the vomiting did go away after 24 hours, he was not perking back up in the slightest and his diarrhea continued and had us worried about dehydration ! To make a long story short (or at least attempt to),  after 7 days of Jude being incredibly lethargic, not eating anything, getting a doozy of a shot in his thigh for the strep we thought he had (which didn't do ANYTHING to help him- it only gave him a serious fear of needles), and our doctor at the time being more concerned about talking about himself rather than our kiddo, we switched doctors to get a second opinion! My only regret is that I wish we would have switched doctors years ago! The new doctor was SO much better, asking questions, listening, and she actually determined that Jude in fact did NOT have strep. She wasn't sure what was going on with our little man, but she said it wasn't normal either and worried that he might have mono or something else.  She ordered Jude to have quite a bit of blood work done (which was a heart breaking moment for this mama to have to reassure her scared boy that everything would be okay after the giant needle experience earlier in the week!). Once the results came back, other than determining that his potassium levels were pretty low, everything else came back normal. The doc reassured us that no news was good news and that this probably just meant he had some strange virus! Sure enough, after 10 days, he started to perk back up and we slowly but surely saw our normal Jude return!

Jude then had a week and half to play his heart out like normal and "recover" before his already scheduled tonsillectomy was due to take place the beginning of July! We did our best to bulk him up since he had lost so much weight from previously being sick, especially knowing that after his surgery, he would loose even more weight from only eating liquids and soft food for awhile. Joshua and I both felt comfortable about Jude going into surgery the day of, because he really had bounced back to normal. Removing his tonsils and adenoids went great and he was such a trooper after surgery! We braced ourselves for the worst as far as recovery goes (PS... if you're a mama getting ready to take your kiddo in for a tonsillectomy, don't google anything about it! There are some serious horror stories- save yourself the worry!)  BUT we were pleasantly surprised when Jude handled it like a champ! He ate, drank, and took his meds like such a trooper and  quite honestly this recovery seemed like a breeze compared to his virus a couple weeks before! I'll be the first to admit that my biggest complaint was a selfish one, and it was just that both Joshua and I were super tired from getting up every 4 hours through the night to give Jude pain meds. But all in all, I bragged on how well everything had gone and thought we totally lucked out with Jude tolerating this recovery so well! The doc told us that there was no activity for 10 days, but after that- he should be good go! 

Sure enough, after 10 days, Jude was anxious to get back to the pool and play with his cousin! We were all going a bit stir crazy quite honestly! We still made sure he took it easy at the pool, no wrestling or crazy stunts- and he appeared to be doing great! It looked like summer was finally under way and that Jude could at last get back to his normal fun! That is until the evening of day 14.... 

This past Tuesday night around 11pm Jude called out from his bedroom. Daddy went to check on him and he was complaining that it felt like he had a hair stuck in the back of his throat. Joshua turned on his bedroom light to check it out and Jude started to cough/gag into his blankey. Once he pulled the blanket away from his mouth Joshua noticed that there was some blood on it. He called for me to come in there and bring the flashlight so we could look into Jude's throat. But by the time I got there, Jude was already in his bathroom coughing and spitting up a disturbing amount of bright red blood into the sink. I remembered the doctor saying this could happen when the scabs fell off, (although I was pretty sure we were past the normal window of when this would happen) but the doctor had said the best thing we could do is not freak out because it would only scare him more. Keeping this in mind, we managed to keep our wits about us and I called the doctors office to have the on call doctor paged. He called me right back and at this point Jude had been bleeding for about 5 minutes- he told me if it didn't stop after 10 minutes to head to the ER. In the meantime, just to have him swish ice cold water in his mouth and spit. Sure enough, his spit started to become more clear and I could tell the bleeding was slowing down. After 7-8 minutes, it seemed to be under control, and so Joshua and I took a deep breath and looked at each other like, "Well that was crazy!". I was able to look into his throat with the flashlight at this point and see that it still looked pretty bloody and in fact the scab on the right hand side of his throat had fallen off and there was a little hole there. I worried that the same thing was going to happen if/when the scab on the other side came off, so I climbed into bed with him for about an hour and laid there just staring at his sweet face and mouth to make sure there was no more blood! He quickly fell back to sleep and seemed to be okay, so I reluctantly went back to our bed hoping to get some sleep myself. I laid there, eyes wide open, worried that he would start to bleed again and not wake up and choke on his own blood- but eventually I dozed off while praying. I woke at 2:30am and went in and checked on our little angel who was peacefully sleeping and all seemed well. It seemed like I just laid my head back down on my pillow and blinked and the next thing I heard was Jude calling out at 5:15am! I sprang out of bed and ran into his room where blood was pouring out of Jude's mouth as he was crying for me. His eyes were as big as saucers and I could tell his look was a combination of fear and the fact that he was about to vomit. I scooped him up and brought him to the bathroom. I'll spare you the details because frankly it's so disturbing and the images are forever imprinted in my mind! 

Immediately I knew we needed to get in the car and head to the ER because this was way worse than the first episode earlier in the night and I saw no sign of it slowing down. Joshua quickly grabbed the bucket we use to wash our cars from the garage for Jude to hold in front of him and we jumped in the car and floored it to the hospital that's only like 5 minuets down the road (what a blessing)! By the time we were pulling up to the emergency room doors, it appeared that the bleeding had again stopped and I sat there second guessing if we should have even come. I always fear being the crazy mom who overreacts (Although, I gotta say... I think any parent in this situation would wig out- so I don't feel too silly showing up at the ER.) All this to say, I was on the phone with the doctor I had spoken with earlier in the night and he said to go ahead and go on in, that he was on the way and they would check him out to make sure he was all good. So, bloody bucket and all, I brought Jude into the ER, while daddy parked the car. Immediately the gals behind the counter jumped up and were like, "What in the world happened?!" as they noticed the blood all over Jude's face and covering his PJ's. They quickly got him checked in and in no time the on-call doctor I had spoken with was there. He took one look at Jude's throat and said he needed to go in for emergency surgery to have his throat re-cauterized. My heart sank a bit as I realized this meant Jude would have to get an IV and I knew this would be tough for him- he is just so over needles at this point! We talked to Jude about how even when you're brave, it doesn't mean you you're not scared, and how it's okay to be scared- but to not let the fear win out. He did awesome and listened and obeyed to everything the nurses asked him to do, all the while he had broken out into a cold sweat and was shaking uncontrollably. Broke my heart! I cried for him. They quickly wheeled him back for surgery and the doc said it would be a super quick procedure, like 5-10 minutes! He said just to hang tight in the waiting room and they'd come get us.

As Joshua and I sat in the waiting room, my mind replayed images of the CSI looking scene in Jude's bathroom that we would have to clean up once we got home. I was trying to figure out how we could get it cleaned up before Jude saw it, thinking it would totally freak him out. After a little bit, I realized we were waiting longer than the doctor had originally said we would, but I just told myself that they would surely come get us once Jude was in recovery. Eventually the doctor did in fact come into the waiting room shaking his head and sighing (not the facial expression you're typically hoping for from your doctor!) He quickly told us, that Jude was okay- BUT that while they were putting the tube down his throat Jude's mouth immediately filled up with blood and began pouring out of his mouth and nose! A blood vessel/artery had busted resulting in him loosing a significant amount of blood fast! Thankfully the doctor was able to get the bleeding under control but had to cauterize a pretty large area in order to do so. He also had to vacuum out his stomach due to the amount of blood that inevitably drained into it. (Another side note: did you know that it takes less than 1/2 teaspoon of your own blood in your stomach to make you throw up?!... The nurse told me that. Consider that little known fact a freebie for you just for sticking with reading this long post!) He said that it was a good thing we went ahead and came on in because we would NOT have wanted this blood vessel to burst at home! More than likely it would have resulted in a blood transfusion. He also decided to go ahead and admit Jude to the hospital in order to keep a close eye on him. So we spent this past Wednesday hanging out in hospital room 10, cuddling with our sweet boy, realizing how fleeting life can be, and counting our blessings that we are blessed to have doctors and hospitals near by for moments just like these! They released Jude Wednesday evening around 8pm under strict instruction to take it super easy this next week and only eat a soft food diet. They cannot guarantee this won't happen again, although they say the chances are super slim. There is nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening, they say it is so rare to have any bleeding after 10 days, but every so often there is this fluke chance of bad luck that it'll happen. We pray that we steer clear from anything else causing another bleed- but more than anything we trust that God is in control and will prepare us for whatever is to come! Hopefully an uneventful rest of the summer!!!! (So you know how I was worried about getting the bloody CSI crime scene cleaned up before we got home so Jude wouldn't freak out? Well my awesome parents came to my house, washed all the sheets, and cleaned the entire bathroom! Its looked spotless when we walked in the door! We are truly blessed!)

A cRaZy summer right?! ... Here is my new perspective.... thank goodness God's timing is SO much better than ours! My impatient heart has been hoping for our referral for quite some time! And quite honestly it still is longing for the day we get to see sweet Isa's face for the very first time! But let me just say that as we were sitting there in the hospital room earlier this week I thought to myself, "Thank goodness we are not out of the country right now traveling for court!" and I also thought "I can't imagine this happening in the midst of accepting a referral and scrambling to get all our paperwork together!".... but GOD KNEW! As I was reflecting more on it today, it hit me like a ton of bricks... all the way back at the end of March our agency, much to my surprise, told us that it would be VERY WISE for Joshua to NOT go on his school club sponsored trip this July that he was planning on chaperoning to Ethiopia. They thought there was a good chance that we might already have a referral or that we would be in between trips. After much prayer and conversation we decided to take their advice and Joshua cancelled the trip because he was the one heading it up. We were torn because we truly thought this could be a life changing trip for so many of his students, but we felt like it would be foolish to ignore the strong advice from our agency. That being said, I have to admit that I did say several times, "If we end up in July when that trip was suppose to happen and we don't have a referral, I'm going to be so mad and bitter!" (I know, not very grace-filled, sorry about that!)... So here we sit this week, the week that Joshua was suppose to be in Ethiopia, and we DO NOT have a referral.... but I DO have my husband home and I can't imagine having gone through Tuesday night on my own! But... GOD KNEW! He knew we needed him home! I can't think of any other reason we would have cancelled that trip, but because our agency told us it was important, we did... but GOD KNEW that would be the only way Joshua wouldn't go. He uses His people to accomplish His work. So NO, I'm not mad at our agency that we don't have a referral right now- I'm grateful that God used them to accomplish his plan and that HE is the author of this story, and I am not! I read a blog post earlier in the week that talked about God's "Prevenient Grace"- God working ahead of time for a particular event in the future. I'm so glad we got to experience a glimpse of that this week with God at work all the way back in March, causing us to cancel a trip, for this week so that daddy would be here with us! Good stuff, God stuff! 

Let me leave you with a quick update where we're at in this wait! The unofficial number that we're showing on our list right now is #7, but I've also heard we're #5... either way, it doesn't really matter- we're right where God wants us. We are next in line for a babe over 12 months old but under 18 months... so we could technically skip a couple spots if a child meeting those parameters comes into the care of Hannah's Hope OR we could end up waiting until we're in the #1 spot anyway. There is no way to know! But again, it doesn't really matter, because it'll happen exactly how God wants it to! My heart does skip a beat every time my phone rings between 4pm-5pm because from what I can tell, that is typically the time when others have gotten "the call" for their referral... but I'm doing my best to not be consumed with it. Jude is doing a good job of keeping my mind off it! (o; 

Until "the call" I rest in the peace that God knows the end (or should I say beginning?) of this story of Isa joining our family! I don't want to take anything into my own hands- His timing is PERFECT!

Praying over crazy big possibilities!

My sis and I are sitting here at a coffee shop that we decided to bunker down at this morning and knock out some work after we dropped our boys off at their first ever Vacation Bible School. If you're a mama, than I'm sure you can relate... It's about efficiency really, we have a precious three hour child-free window to accomplish as much as possible and there's no use in wasting any of that time driving all the way home and back again. Not to mention, who doesn't love to surround themselves with the aroma of coffee and the company of their sister?!

So I've decided to start this blog post well aware of the fact I won't come close to finishing it here at the coffee shop given that I only have 15 minutes left out of my 3 hour child-free window (my oh my, where has the time gone?!)  But, I figured I would get a head start on writing this because my gut tells me it's gonna be a doozy of a post (you know the kind...where you write a sentence and then delete two sentences because it just doesn't seem to truly convey what is stirring in your heart?!) Well I think this is gonna be one of "those" posts. Why you ask?!

Well you see, Joshua and I have been praying hard the last three months! We've been praying over crazy big possibilities that have presented themselves to us and we've been seeking His direction on what our response should be to these possibilities! .....  (And here we are folks, 15 minutes is up and I only got this far.  My sweet boy needs to be picked up at VBS, BUT I will continue later today as soon as I get home and find some down time. I didn't plow through nearly as much of this post as I had hoped, in my head I like to think I'm a super fast speed writer, but in real life... not so much!)

Okay, I'm back! How was that for a cliff hanger?! Oh yeah, that's right... you didn't have to wait, you get to just keep on reading! Lucky you. (o;

So, like I said... past three months... been praying hard! You see, back in March we had a conversation with some wonderful friends of ours, The McBride's. You've probably heard me talk about them as I've been blessed with Mitzi's friendship and privileged to see God at work in her family's life over the past 2 1/2 years. I'm beyond thankful to have had a front row seat in watching God clearly answer their prayers and lead their family to Africa to work for Lifesong Zambia almost one year ago this July.

Let me give you a little history first before I dive in... There are several super cool things about my friendship with Mitzi and it started before I even met her... it's one of those rare moments in life where in hindsight you can see that God clearly meant for two paths to cross! Shortly after Joshua and I made the decision to jump into the unknown world of adoption, when I knew NO ONE else that was adopting or had adopted, when I was desperately praying for a friend that was in this journey too, I had two different people mention to me that we should really meet the McBride family. One of which was the UPS guy down the street where we printed our very first letter announcing that we were going to start the adoption process. I figured if the UPS guy thought I should meet the McBride's... maybe God was trying to tell me something!?! So I did what every "normal" person does and "facebook stalked" Mitzi (that's "normal" right?!) Totally to my surprise, as I was looking through her photo albums I noticed that her and  Shane were from East Tennessee (which is where Joshua and I met, got married, and lived before moving to Dallas) and both of them had in fact gone to Carson Newman, Tusculum College's main rival (where Joshua went to college)?! Both schools are pretty small Christian colleges that typically no one has ever heard of! What a crazy small world, right?! One thing lead to another and I was in touch with Mitzi and knew right away that she was my kinda gal! Down to earth, loves the Lord, loves Tennessee and good cookin', great mama, and just an easy stress-free friend! Truly, she was an answer to prayer! An added perk was she was a pro when it came to the adoption world! At the time, her and Shane were working for a division of Campus Crusade called Hope for Orphans, they had two bio kids and an adopted son from Ethiopia (Hannah's Hope mind you, where Isa will be from!). So during the paper chase phase of our adoption, whether Mitzi liked it or not, she was my go to gal with questions! And she always patiently walked me through all the nitty gritty details of the endless stack of confusing required documentations.

Flash forward to February 2011 and Mitzi, Courtney, and I made a road trip to Atlanta together for the Created for Care adoption retreat. My theory is, once you spend 12+ hours in a car with someone, you're either automatically gonna love them or hate them... and I walked away from that road trip and loved both Mitzi and Courtney all the more! I was able to see Christ shine in both of them and I knew that God had blessed me with two amazing, God-fearing, friends who "got me" and made me want to be a better example of Christ in the world. It's not every day you find those kind of people in your life! Mitzi and I shared on that trip that we both thought adoption was just the tip of the iceberg of God's story and we both felt like eventually, in time, we saw our families in Africa. We both had NO IDEA when or how we would get there, we just felt the burden to go. I think we even halfheartedly joked that maybe we'd go to Africa together one day!

Courtney, Mitzi, myself, and Lara at the Created for Care Retreat Feb '11

Little did Mitzi know that it wouldn't be long at all before God got to work at opening one door after another door for the McBride's to actually be in Africa (we were both thinking we had like a 5 year time frame, ha!)! She had no idea it was going to be that following July that they would pack up and move, but God made it pretty stinking clear that this is when He wanted them to go! I won't get into all the details for the sake of keeping this post from becoming a novel, BUT you can read more about their incredible journey HERE! Truly, from an outsiders prospective, it was such a privilege to watch and see them be obedient and faithful to say YES even when it stretched them and even when they didn't have all the answeres! The point of this not so brief history of how God brought the McBride's into our lives, is so that you know- I truly do believe that God is in the details. I have no doubt He's weaving together a beautiful big God-size story through the little every day occurrences in life. Even a casual passing conversation with the UPS guy... Even when we're praying along side of someone else and we have no idea that their story may also be our story too?! (o;
 
So, the McBride family courageously moved to Zambia last July and took on the HUGE task of heading up the Lifesong Zambia school. They have made tremendous progress with the educational programs and even more of an impact relationally with the Zambian staff! Currently the Lifesong Zambia School only goes through grade seven BUT they're expanding! You can read all about it HERE! It's good stuff that makes my heart beat fast and leaves me with a permanent smile on my face! Here's a glimpse into the Lifesong Zambia School, check it out! 

Zambia November 2010 from Lifesong for Orphans on Vimeo.



 So that leads me to the exciting and big news that Joshua and I have been laying at God's feet over the last three months! The McBride's approached Joshua and I about the possibility of joining them there in Zambia! With the launch of the high school, they're are in need of an American teacher/leader that is willing to partner with a Zambian teacher/leader to help head up the high school portion of the school! We've skyped a couple times with the McBride's and we've emailed back and forth numerous times over what the job would most likely entail, and truthfully, it sounds like a perfect fit for Joshua! Discipleship and mentoring as well as curriculum development and teaching are right up my man's alley! The fact that the McBride's are already there and blazing the trail for us, brings peace to this mama's soul. The little "contingencies" I let God know about after returning from Uganda about how He would get our family to Africa, are surprisingly all being met with this particular opportunity! Which makes me smile because that's just the way God works! Now, all that being said... this is by no means a done deal!

The time frame of it all, at this point, is the main thing that is up in the air. You see, this whole possibility panning out, is all really contingent on when we bring Isa home, how he's doing,  and how our family is functioning! That's a pretty big unknown, and we totally get that, but it's our number one priority!!! And so we're praying through what that might look like and trusting that the Lord will be clear if this is a step we should take as a family! That being said, so far, we have not hit any red flags or road blocks that scream, "No! This is not meant for your family!" If fact, every time I've been overwhelmed at the thought and begged God for clarity, He has answered in unique ways confirming that we should just keep taking one step forward at a time. I can guarantee one thing and it's that I will continue to plead with God to be a burning bush and speak loud and clear as to what His will is for our family! WE ONLY WANT TO GO WHERE GOD IS LEADING US!

The reoccurring answer to our prayer is, "Keep taking one step forward at a time unless I tell you to stop". To which we say, "Okay Lord! You've proven to be faithful over and over again throughout this journey! We will trust you!" So you might be wondering what this "next step" is... at this point it appears to be making a trip to Zambia to check it all out for ourselves! After much thought and discussion, the best time for us to make this trip, not to mention the most cost effective way, is for Joshua and I to go to Zambia on our way to Ethiopia when we travel for our first court trip to meet Isa. Of course, at this point, we don't know when that's going to be. BUT it's our game plan as of now! We've talked it over with both our social worker and our agency case worker, and they both agree that the best time to make such a trip is the front end of our first trip. Our prayer is that this visit will help provide clarity if in fact Zambia is where God wants to use us and if we can see our family there. 

Sigh, this does mean that before too long, we're going to have to start what appears to be the never ending process of fundraising again to help cover the cost of the additional leg of the flights for Joshua and I. So my apologies in advance if you're tired of seeing my homemade Africa tee-shirts or whatever other kind of creative little thing I can whip up to help bring in the extra money! I promise I'll do my best to make cute things that you actually want to buy! (o; Please also know that both Joshua and I are taking on any extra work we can to help bring in money! Joshua is actually in Utah right now for the week doing this AP Reader thing that will bring in an additional $1500 that we'll put towards the tickets and he's continuing to mow several yards in our cul-de-sac. I'll put any additional money I'm able to bring in with photography and dog sitting toward it as well! I don't have a set amount at this time that I know the airfare is going to cost us because I just don't know exactly when we'll be traveling- so my game plan is just to try and build up a cushion in our adoption savings account and trust that it'll be what we need to cover the flights!

Deep breath, okay so this whole thing is just so much bigger than us, and I get overwhelmed & humbled every time I think that God would use plain ole' Joshua and Hilary as a part of such an amazing story! Even if this entire thing doesn't pan out the way we think it might and His plans are something totally different, I'm cool with that, I'm just privileged to be used in whatever capacity! All I know is that I want to be obedient and keep taking one step forward at a time unless He tells us to stop. And so we'd ask that you too would pray for us... That we would be keenly aware of God's direction and agenda, that we would have the courage to get uncomfortable when we need to, that God would prepare our family for whatever lies ahead, that God would bring Isa home in just His perfect timing and that we would know without a shadow of a doubt what the best thing to do for our family is! We are beyond grateful for your prayers and support, thank you!

I'm excited to wait and see how this whole things unfolds! God sure does write the best stories! (o;