Keep on Singing

 Earlier this week, I had the privilege of attending a Leadership Network Missional Renaissance workshop with several amazing individuals from our Compassion Ministry at church. The premise of the workshop was to gather like-minded church and community leaders that had a passion and heart for meeting the needs of the vulnerable and collaborate on ways we can wrap around the hopeless and restore hope. Our church's vision is to go beyond the church walls and into the community to live out the gospel and be the hands and feet of Jesus to those who may otherwise never step foot in our building. I could go on and on about all the goodness I soaked in over the two days we were there, but for now, I just wanted to share a video that they showed us there that I thought was so stinking powerful! This may just be one of the coolest things I've ever seen- I think you'll agree! Check it out!




After we watched this video, the leaders asked the entire group what our thoughts were, and as people shared, very true points were touched on. One person shared how this video really revealed the importance of community and how everyone longs to be a part of something bigger than themselves. Another shared that clearly technology is powerful and can touch lives all around the world and bring people together (I can testify to that just since blogging!). Another shared how it was so cool that before the conductor started this huge project, he didn't know how it was all going to come together, but he stepped out in faith anyway and trusted it would all fall into place at just the right time, and it did! But it was what the last person shared that stuck with me most- here's my spin on what was said...

It's like God is the conductor over this entire world, orchestrating an absolutely beautiful song with each of our individual lives. He's inviting us to sing in His choir and be a part of the most incredible music piece to ever be written. What a privilege it is to be asked to join in!

So that has me thinking... Here I am, with Joshua and Jude, and we're singing this little song over here in North Texas, sometimes we're off pitch, and sometimes we don't sing as loud as we should, and other times we're singing the wrong part all together! And I can't help but think that there's another song in Ethiopia being sung right now, and that Isa and his birth mom are singing their hearts out this very moment- and they may not feel like it's even loud enough to be heard... but it is! God hears them! God hears us! And the best part is, He's orchestrating our voices together just perfectly so that it makes a beautiful song! And the reality is, this music piece is far bigger than just our voices... it includes so many of YOURS as well! Thank you for joining in singing with us!

So today, and every day, I'm choosing to trust that a beautiful song is being written, even when my part doesn't always sound too hot, and I just need to keep on singing! What an honor it is to be a part of something far bigger than myself! Make my song beautiful Lord and thank you for orchestrating it all so well!

Begging for HIS PLAN

 

As many of you know, the burden to GO (literally move our family) to Africa has been heavy on our hearts for over a year now. Both Joshua and I expected that our trips (in July for Joshua and February for me) to Uganda were just another piece to the puzzle of God equipping and preparing us for what is to come, whatever that may be. I think Joshua was anxiously waiting for me to get back from my trip to see if my experience there was similar to his. He came home pretty stinkin' sure that he could see our family in Africa. He most definitely didn't have all the answers to how and when we would get there- but no doubt Africa captured his heart and the desire to GO was only strengthened.  I've always said to Joshua that he leads our family and if he came home tomorrow and told me, "Hil... we're moving to Africa this week, I know it's where the Lord wants us!"....  that I'd go, I wholeheartedly trust him! He seeks the Lord's guidance for our family and I couldn't have more confidence in his willingness to say YES to whatever God asks of him! And here's the deal... if my man is seeking God's story for our family, than I'm 100% behind him! For this, I'm beyond grateful, what a blessing it is to have a husband that is the spiritual leader of our family! Now that being said, while I'm pretty sure the hubs appreciates my vote of confidence in his ability to hear the Lord so clearly, he also let me in on the fact that it would make him feel a tad a heck of a lot better if I experienced Africa for myself just to confirm that I too felt the Lord tugging our family in that direction after having been there. Fair enough! I'm also grateful for a hubby who desires to make sure I'll be a happy mama and not get to Africa one day and say, "What?! Why in the world did you bring our family here?! I hate it!"- I think that would truly be his worst nightmare!

Keeping all that in mind, inevitably my experience in Uganda was captured through a filter of "Can I see our family living here?" I most definitely took advantage of every opportunity to talk with any "non-Ugandan's" (is that a word?! I would say American's but I spoke with a gal from Holland too, so I can't lump her into the American category?!) who already live there to pick their brain for what Africa life is like from their perspective! Thank you Kirby (with Sixty Feet), Danielle and Renee (with Serving His Children), and Mariska (Yep, you guessed it, the gal from Holland with Food Step) for your gracious spirits and precious time you were willing to give me in answering my plethora of questions! Our conversations meant more to me than you probably will ever know! What amazed me most as I spoke with each of these ladies, was how God so clearly was woven into how they ended up in Uganda. Each of them with a very different story of how they got there and each of them with a very different story of how God is using them there! 

But here is where I have to be honest and say as I spoke with Kirby, Danielle, Renee, and Mariksa,

I thought to myself, "There is NO WAY I could do what they do! I would emotionally break down and be a crappy mom and wife if I did what they do on a daily basis! I'm not as strong as them, or smart as them, or brave as them, or as faithful as them! How in the world are you going to get my family to Africa God?!?!?"

It's funny how in hindsight it can seem so clear that God was trying to teach me an obvious lesson, yet I totally missed it! I remember thinking to myself that each of their stories were so uniquely different from each other, BUT how I assumed for some reason that my story was going to look like one of theirs! And I was overwhelmed at the thought of trying to put myself into their shoes, because their shoes seemed to fit them perfectly, but be way too big for me to fill! I missed the point... God was showing me how all their stories were so different from each other so that I would realize my story would be different too! He would write it, I didn't have to figure it out!

It wasn't until I got home from my trip and I was sharing this thought with my sweet (and very wise) friend Courtney, and she gently reminded me, that of course I couldn't do what they do! I'm NOT them! God wired them specifically for their role! He didn't wire me for their purposes... God's story for each of our lives looks totally different! As she shared that simple truth with me, it was as if a weight was lifted from my chest, and God's lesson He had tried to reveal earlier to "slow to catch on Hilary" was all the sudden so clear!  God's plan for my life is custom made to suit my personality and the way He created me so that He can shine through me best. His plan enables me to be the wife and mother He longs for me to be! God's story is tailor made for our family so that Joshua and Jude (and Isa too!) will be used by God for far greater things than I can imagine!  Does that mean life is always going to be easy?! Absolutely not! Does that mean that I won't ever have to step outside my comfort zone?! I wish, but NO! BUT, what it does mean is that I don't have to figure it all out....  all I have to do is be available! What it does mean is that I can trust God's agenda and plan, and I don't have to come up with it on my own. God will pave the way to our own unique story of how He gets our family to Africa!  

Can I just tell you what a relief it is to hand this one over to God?! If I learned one thing for sure while in Uganda, it's that life is hard there. I am confident that when we move to Africa, however God gets us there, we will face heartache, we will face poverty, we will face injustice, we will face brokenness... and we'll only be able to face all of this by God's strength, clinging to the hope found in His goodness and trusting that we are in HIS will! The reality is, it's gonna be hard. So... that leaves me on my knees begging for HIS PLAN, HIS AGENDA, HIS STORY, HIS WAY, HIS DESIRES... because I don't want to live my life outside of HIS PURPOSES! 

Like Joshua, I too came home from Uganda certain that God was in fact preparing our family for Africa. I have no idea when or how we'll get there- but I'm learning that's okay! It leaves the door open for God to reveal His path and not let mine get in the way! I have more peace about that now than ever before.

Rest assured, we are seeking God's wisdom and discernment for our family and we're trusting that He will be clear! We will be faithful to GO and FOLLOW when He opens the door!

 

Lean Not On Your Own Understanding....

Proverbs 3:5 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...."

I don't know about you, but sometimes my emotions can be all over the place, crazy! Like my crazy face child here! (That's seriously the only tie in I have to the photo above, I look at it and I think "cRaZY"... and when I think of trusting my emotions at times, I think "cRaZY"!)

There was a particular day (the conference portion) while we were in Uganda that my emotions just about got the best of me! They may have entirely gotten the best of me, but for the sake of sounding like I can keep it together- we'll go with " just about".  It was one of those days where if it COULD go wrong, it WOULD go wrong. There were unforeseen challenges with the language barrier, the cultural gap, and the teaching environment that all seemed to pile on top of each other and leave me feeling as if I could curl up on the ground in the fetal position and just have a good ole' ugly cry. All that I had planned and prepared for (not to mention, poured my heart into), for the lesson I was teaching, seemed to have been a complete and total flop! We returned to the Guest House that night and I was completely consumed with my emotions of defeat. 

Right about now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Wow, what a downer of a story Hil, thanks for sharing!"... but hang tight, here's where it gets good, here's where God gets to work.... 

That night at our team debrief I was barely able to keep it together. Knowing my turn to share was nearing, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as we went around the dinner table one by one rehashing the day. It was no secret that all of us ladies on the team were exhausted, discouraged, and done for. The men on the other hand had had a really encouraging day and felt like they had made some serious progress with the pastors they were teaching, and for them, the day was a huge success. Can I just say, to a personality type like mine, where normally I'm the "cheery one", it sucks to be the Debby Downer of the day! But here's where the character of our team shines. Here were our men, who were on a high from the day (rightfully so) and they quickly realized and were sensitive to the fact that the day for us ladies was anything but a high... and so they listened. I know, simple, right?! They genuinely empathized with us- and they selflessly listened. The beauty of the body of Christ right there. So to the gents on the trip, Jason, Paul, Jeff, Brett, and Shawn... THANK YOU for wrapping around us with a listening ear,  gentle words, and prayers of encouragement. It meant more than you know and you represented Christ's love so well!

I walked away from our time of debrief grateful for God putting together such an amazing team- yet I still longed to just talk to my husband! I missed him so much on this trip and it was truly hard to experience such emotional highs and lows without him by my side! So you can imagine my frustration when I couldn't get Skype up and running that night to chat with him and was only able to type a couple sentences on facebook to let him know it was a crap day and I desperately needed his prayers. I chalked it up as one more frustrating thing to add to the day and decided to call it quits and go to bed before it got any worse. Surprisingly, I fell asleep crazy fast that night, I'm sure being wore out on all levels played a factor into my unconsciousness! 

As I woke up the following morning the first thing I heard were the birds chirping outside my window. It was still dark out, yet the birds knew it was a new day and they were busy singing their praises! Like the birds, I was flooded with an unusual peace that seemed to shine an entirely new perspective on the previous day's situation. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding..." kept coming to mind, over and over again. Actually, that verse kept coming to mind, and so did the the scene from one of Jude's favorite movies, Chicken Little, where the young rooster confidently puffs out his chest and says, "It's brand new day!" (clearly I'm the mother of a 4 year old!). A shift from discouragement to hope had happened in the middle of the night that I couldn't explain. God had clearly been at work answering prayers that I didn't even know where being lifted up on my behalf! I genuinely felt the Lord's voice of truth reassuring me to trust not in my emotions but in His ability to work despite what I had to offer.

As our bus pulled up where we were hosting the conference, I again heard His whisper in my heart, "Don't trust your insecurities right now- I'm at work!"... and so I stepped off the bus and bravely made my way towards the group of pastor's wives that I felt I had totally missed the mark with the day before in my teaching (mostly because of cultural relevance & language barriers). And in classic African style, we were all immediately greeted with quite possibly the warmest and most friendly smiles you've ever seen, which instantly brought an easiness to my soul! And then, as if that wasn't enough, I was strangely approached by nearly every one of the women as they came up to me and thanked me for my teaching the day before! They were intentional in telling me that great conversations were sparked from what I had taught on and they were so grateful! Folks, I'm tellin' ya, it was SO odd, and their appreciation most certainly didn't measure up in the slightest with my far from stellar teaching I had offered!!! It was at this point it was blatantly clear to me that the Holy Spirit's ability to communicate was far greater than I could comprehend! God had clearly been at work filling in where I fell short. He took the culture gap and somehow brought relevance to it, He took the debilitating communication barriers and spoke through them, He answered prayers of those who cried out on my behalf when I was too defeated to do so! And from that day forward, it was smooth sailing with the conference, and the issues that seemed to be gigantic hurdles, were wiped away!

You see, here's the part that is unbelievably cool to me... While I was surprised by my new found hope and peace when I woke up that morning, and while I stood in awe and was dumbfounded as the women enthusiastically greeted and thanked me for my flop of a teaching, an while I was just so grateful for the obvious positive turn of events... what I didn't know is that God was answering very specific prayers from others! 

Remember my frustration from the night before, where I was only able to type a few sentences to Joshua begging him to pray?! Well, being the amazing husband he is, he prayed on my behalf and asked others to do the same & sent a simple email out to friends and family.
This is what it said....

"Update from Hilary:

The women's portion of the conference is struggling a little. The location is difficult among many other barriers with language, children and knowledge. Hilary is discouraged and the group could really use some prayer as they finish their last two days. Pray what has been taught will be used by the Lord and pray for what will be taught will be understood and applied. Thanks for all of you and your support for Hilary."

For those of you that responded and prayed for our team I can't even tell you how grateful I am, because I KNOW that God heard you and He answered! I know for a fact that God heard my dad's prayer... because every line of it was specifically answered! I don't know if God tuned in a little extra because it was a dad calling out on his daughter's behalf... but take note parents, God hears our prayers for our children! Here's my dad's prayer and response to Joshua's email...

"Dear Lord:

Hilary needs Your help. Please use her incredible winsomeness and people skills to win over the women in her Uganda sphere of influence. May they see Your work in her and be swayed toward your grace. Please lift barriers and remove hindrances to Your truth being understood, felt and acted on. Please give Hilary a scripture to hang on to and a kind act or remembrance that energizes her spirit through the balance of this trip. May this renewal be contagious to the other women to such a point that it is obvious, You are at work and they praise You for it. Please return her home safe and satisfied that she has done her best and obeyed your direction.  Amen  ~Blane"

Brings me to tears every time I read it. I can so clearly see God answered each and every specific line of my dad's requests!

The thing is, I think I could have missed it. I might not have seen that God used my flop for His good, had I only trusted my emotions and my own understanding! Proverbs 3:5 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...." You can't always trust your feelings- they're not always reality, and honestly, I think Satan uses them at times to put his spin on situations! God's word is solid and trustworthy, even when our emotions are cRaZY!

I would have never thought I'd say I was grateful for that emotionally discouraging day while in Uganda-but God revealed more of Himself to me that day. He showed me the importance in the Body of Christ. He showed me that He answers prayers. He showed me that He is far bigger than my emotions and He alone is the solid truth to cling to! For a girl who's dad often told her growing up, "You can't let your feelings lead the way Hilary".... clearly there was a lesson to be learned!
Cling to Him and His truth NOT your emotional circumstances!

Toughest Day in Uganda

Our second day in Uganda proved to be the hardest for me emotionally. It's tough now for me to even go back there in my mind and relive it. I'm immediately flooded with images, sounds, and smells that will haunt me forever. I knew this day would be hard. I knew it would require me to lean not on my own understanding, but on God's truth and strength. I knew it would shake me up and break my heart, and it certainly did all these things and more! BUT what I didn't know was how this day would reveal ugly parts of my heart and require love that was far bigger than what I had to offer. I didn't know that God was going to reveal Himself to me through a whisper that was almost so quite I missed it. And I most certainty didn't know that my agenda for the day and God's agenda for the day looked so drastically different.

Rewind with me a bit and you'll see that God had been preparing me for this day since February 5th, 2011 when I was first made aware of the plight of the imprisoned children in Uganda. I watched a documentary at an adoption retreat that revealed a disturbing reality of injustice and heartache that gripped me.  Images of wrongly confined children living in conditions that were unimaginable left tears streaming down my face (and a large pile of snotty tissues too!). I knew God had opened my eyes to this situation for a reason, I just didn't know how the heck I was suppose to respond?! I returned home from the retreat broken yet determined to do something about the uneasiness in my soul! The injustice of it all made me sick to my stomach and kept me awake at night.  My mind quickly began racing with sales pitch ideas of how I could get my church on board with investing in the ministries that were pouring into this remand center. I knew our church had recently made the decision to focus our attention on Uganda and had already taken one mission trip there, so I thought to myself, "There's hope! Maybe if I'm persuasive enough, they'll at least watch the documentary and consider going to this facility!?" Well... silly me didn't consider the fact that God didn't need "Sales Pitch Hilary" at all to accomplish His work! In fact, He had ALREADY been at work and I just didn't know it! You can only imagine my astonishment/relief/excitement when I found out that our church was ALREADY plugged into this facility and unbeknownst to me, had JUST visited it the month before on their first visionary trip in January 2011! How cool is that?!  I was beyond thrilled to find out that I wasn't going to have to jump any hurdles to get our Compassion Ministry equally as passionate about investing in these vulnerable children!  Isn't it just like God to pave the way!?! In fact, I found out our church would be heading back to Uganda and visiting this remand center that July 2011! 

Okay, so with that marked off my list of things to tackle, I decided to focus my attention on sharing with others what had impacted me. I hosted a little viewing of the documentary later that month, (February 17th to be exact) to a group of 15-20 friends and family at my sisters house. Following that, in the month of April, I focused my efforts towards selling cupcakes at Joshua's school as a fundraiser for one of the amazing ministries that serves these imprisoned children. At the end of April, Joshua and I earnestly prayed and made the decision for him to go on the July mission trip with the team. Long story short...  He went. He loved it. He came home a changed man. He told me there was no way I could miss the next trip. There you have it.

Flash forward to February 23rd, 2012, our second full day in Uganda, I found myself standing on a dusty red dirt road in front of the rundown, paint chipped building with barred windows that's image had been burned in my mind almost exactly one year prior... SURREAL!  As our team slowly walked in and soaked in the scene around us I immediately knew that I was going to have to "check out" in a sense, just to be able to function that day emotionally. There's really no adequate way to describe the immediate feeling of defeat and darkness that comes over you as you enter a place like this. The presence of the guards was very obvious and heavy that day. They seemed to make their power known by just a look in their eye and the stories we heard would confirm that instilling fear and physical abuse as punishment is a tactic they use quite often.  There is much I could share about this day, and maybe in time I will, but for now I want to share just one story from the day that forever impacted me.

After we finished up an incredibly moving time of worship and bible teaching with the kids (yes, these children worship God despite their undeserving circumstances! They have an unshakable faith that I have much to learn from, that enables them to lift their hands towards heaven and find hope and joy in the midst of unspeakable sorrow!) We headed outside to hang out with the children and play and talk and get to know them in hopes of showing them Christ's love in some way. Although after having worshiped with them, I can confidently say that they know who Jesus is and they showed me His face that day!

I went up to a group of girls that were gathered in a circle chatting. I've always had a special place in my heart for teen girls and it just seemed natural to approach them. I could feel myself start to smile as I neared them. The remand center is mostly made up of boys, so out of the 100+ kids there that day, I would say there were only about 15 girls total. The number of children is constantly changing depending on how many street kids are getting dropped off on any given day. (They've had upwards of 300+ street kids dropped off in one days time when an "important" government official is coming into town and they need to "clean up the street"- sigh!). Anyway, I approached the girls and started chit chatting with them about how pretty I thought they were. They proceeded to ask me my age, to which I reluctantly told them I was thirty one. They started laughing at me and said, "You're 31!!! (Apparently 31 is way OLD from their perspective and it probably was from my perspective too when I was their age, but my idea of what's "old" keeps getting higher and higher each birthday I have!). What they said following made me feel better though, "We can't believe you're 31! We thought you were like 20 something!" To which I replied, "See, I love you girls already! You're so smart!" and instantly the walls were down and connections were established. I vividly remember the thought coming to me while standing there to ask them if they wanted to share their story with me. Joshua and I had read a autobiography, Passport Through Darkness, several months earlier, and the author talked about how the people she ministered to in the Sudan just wanted to share their story with someone who cared. They wanted to know their life mattered. And so I stepped out on a limb and boldly asked the group of girls if anyone wanted to share their story. Immediately one of the older girls who seemed to be the "ring leader" in a sense, we'll call her "G",  quickly chimed in and said, "You want to know my story? I will tell you. It's long though." I told her that I had time. She said, "Follow me" and motioned for me to follow her up a set of stairs that lead to a low concrete wall where she sat down and began patting the spot next to her for me to sit. All the other girls had tagged along and were standing there with us, as if waiting their turn to share their story, and "G" politely looked each girl square in the eye and proceeded to point her finger and each one and say, "Privacy, Privacy, Privacy" as she went down the line. Each girl seemed to understand and ran along. I wondered if they don't even share their stories with each other?

And so began the one on one conversation that I thought was God's agenda for the day. I mean it made sense to me? Surely God had me in this exact moment to hear the cries of this precious 17 year old girl, "G"! Surely His plan was for me to let her know I loved her, that she was valued, and that He had not forgotten about her! I'm not ready to share the details of her story here right now, out of fear I may not do her life story justice. But rest assured, this conversation shook me to my core, and broke my heart in two! Here was an articulate, beautiful, vibrant girl... who in her short 17 years had experienced fear, hurt, and abandonment on levels I couldn't even wrap my mind around! As she shared her story she presented herself as strong and determined, yet loosing hope being stuck in this hellish place. Her only request when I asked what I could pray for, was that she would be able to go to school and get an education. Education in Uganda equals hope and most the time, the only way out. 

Meanwhile, I was keenly aware throughout our conversation that we were being eyed by one of the guards. Her manipulative glances made it very clear that she wanted "G" to know she was keeping an eye on her. My biggest fear was that I would innocently do something that would get one of the kids in trouble and cause them to "pay" after we left.  So as the guard looked away for a minute I whispered to "G", "Is it okay that we're talking, are you going to get in trouble for this later?" With her head held down, she quietly said, "It's fine." Right about that time I saw the guard strolling our way. My heart sunk and I took a deep breath. She approached with an arrogance about her that instantly surfaced feelings of anger inside of me for her. She proceeded to put her hand on "G's" knee and eerily say, "Daughter, daughter, daughter.... So, what are you ladies talking about today?" I immediately felt sick to my stomach and truly felt as though we were in the presence of darkness. In hopes of shielding "G" from being put in a compromising situation, I did my best to steer the conversation away from her. I told the guard that I had loved being in Uganda so far and that it was a beautiful country, to which she laughed and told me, "Ha! Uganda is NOT beautiful, Uganda is HARD!"... from this point on she proceeded to manipulate and take over the conversation, forcing "G" to actually get up and walk away. She began asking me all sorts of questions about America and saying things like, "Hypothetically, if someone like you Hilary, in America wanted to help someone like me here in Uganda by sending my children to school, you could do that, yes?"... I politely tried to inform her that no, I couldn't do that. She just kept pushing the question determined to get a different response from me, informing me of this little thing called "Western Union" and that she does KNOW in fact that I could send her money that way! (Ugh! Just retyping parts of this conversation make me sick to my stomach all over again!) Talk about being in the most uncomfortable situation EVER!  I wanted to run. I HATED this lady! I knew that she mistreated the children, I knew that she was mean, and I knew that she was my "enemy". The entire time she was talking all I kept thinking was, "She is getting in the way of God's plan! She is ruining God's purpose here today! Where is "G".... she's why I'm here!". I searched for ways to get out of this conversation, I physically got up and walked away from her... she followed. I frantically gave looks of "Help Me!" to my other team members- but for one reason or another, it wasn't happening, I was stuck! Another thirty minutes or so of this incredibly frustrating conversation went on.

And then it happened. God whispered. Ever so quietly, I heard Him. My emotions of bitterness and hate were screaming inside my head, but somehow the Holy Spirit was able to shout His whisper just loud enough to drowned out "Hilary" for a split second. Much to my disliking I heard this little voice say, "SHE IS MY AGENDA, SHE IS MY PLAN FOR TODAY!" 

(Here is where the ugliness of my heart was revealed and where God's beautiful agenda took over...)

"What?! NO WAY!!!! She doesn't deserve your love God! She is horrible! I can't do this! I won't do this!" A defiant anger rose up within me to ignore His whisper and continue listening to the shouts of hate in my head. I can't recall another time in my life where I ever have felt such ugliness toward an individual and an indifference to their life circumstances and their eternity. I'm just being honest, I know it's not pretty. But knowing what I knew about her, I just didn't have it in me to show an ounce of compassion or love for this lady! 

And then I heard the whisper again, "YOU INVITED ME HERE TODAY, I CAN DO THIS!"

Almost instantly an unexplainable certainty came over me. A peace in my soul that God was about to take over this conversation. I just needed to get out of the way! I needed to surrender my anger, my agenda,  and my hatred and let God's love shine, even when I couldn't muster it up on my own!

That's the beauty of the power of the Holy Spirit folks! Paul talks about it in Galatians as the "Mystery of the Gospel"- and in that exact moment, it was as if the veil of this mystery was lifted off my eyes and I KNEW, as a believer in Jesus Christ, HE COULD DO THIS through sinful ole' me! (Romans 8, good stuff!)

 I've gotta be honest here in saying the conversation from here gets a bit blurry in my head because quite honestly, the words coming out of my mouth were not my own! Pretty much the gist of it went something like this...

"Here's the deal guards name, I'm not going to be able to send your kids to school or send you money, and I'm sorry that you'll probably never understand that because it appears that I should obviously be able help you. BUT I can do something better for you!" 

She quickly became super interested in what I had to say, "What's that?!"

"I can pray for you! I KNOW as a mother, there is probably nothing you want more than to have your children grow up and know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and I KNOW you probably desire for them to grow into healthy and happy adults who make a difference in the world! So I will commit to pray that for you. And I'll even go a step further and commit to pray for you HERE in this job. I can only imagine that it's hard and you feel under-appreciated and under-paid, but I KNOW that deep down you must know what an honor it is that you've been intrusted with this position that enables you to make life-changing impacts on these children. I KNOW that surely you want to show these children the love of Christ and have them walk out of this place one day saying, "Yes, I lived at a place that might have been hell on earth, but guards name showed me Jesus, she showed me love, she gave me hope, she believed in me!" I KNOW surely you want that! I KNOW that you recognize the responsibility God has given you to care for these fatherless children, HIS children. And so I can only imagine that you need prayer?! And I can do that, I can commit to that! Can I pray for you right now guards name?!"

A look of complete bewilderment was on her face as she nodded and quietly said, "Sure". It was the first time she was silent and had nothing more to say since she had approached me 30-40 earlier! I'm just sayin', there is power in the name of Jesus to silence people! (o; 

And then I prayed for her. And I haven't stopped praying for her EVERY DAY since Feb 23rd! I pray God's truth overwhelms her and His love radically transforms her! I pray that she is light in the darkness there and that she never lays a hand on any children there ever again! She could be exactly what turns this place around! I have to hope that God can restore her and use her and that He is able to accomplish far more than I can imagine! 

Just as a cool side note... in the midst of my little "God interrupted conversation" with this guard, a storm was brewing. Dark nasty clouds started swirling overhead and we were about to get nailed. It was a bit eery as I felt like there was an actual spiritual battle of good vs evil going on- but I'm sure it's just coincidental. Regardless, just as I was finishing up and praying for her the wind kicked up pretty strong and sent everyone running to get inside and our team to get back on the bus. As I closed the prayer with "In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen".... it was clear that our conversation was going to be over given the impending downpour. I have to think it might just have been God's way of getting the last word. She wasn't able to say anything as I ran away to get back on our bus, and my prayer is that those words "In the Name of Jesus Christ" have lingered in her heart!

As for "G"... oh sweet "G", I think of this girl and pray for her every day too! As I got on the bus, all in a tizzy from my crazy encounter,  I glanced out the window to my right and there she was trying to get my attention!  My heart skipped with joy because God let me say goodbye to her when I thought the opportunity was gone. I was quickly able to tell her that I would not forget her and to hold out hope. I was able to make her a promise that I would follow up with a certain individual who is fighting to get "G" out of there with a sponsorship to school. And I was able to look into her eyes one last time and see a glimmer of hope still left. Pray for her, please!

I don't know JACK!

 

Well, it turns out I'm a "processor"... I never knew this about myself, but I've discovered this to be true since returning from Uganda almost three weeks ago. I'm overwhelmed right now just trying to figure out where to begin in writing this post! I'm utterly aware of the fact that there is no way in words I'm going to adequately sum up my experience and all that God has opened my eyes and heart to! This same feeling of, "Where the heck do I begin?!" floods my head when someone nonchalantly asks me, "Oh hey, how was your trip?!"... I want to respond, "Well, you gotta an hour, or two?!"... because there is just no quick way to wrap up this life changing experience... and let's face it, the majority of people are asking for the quick version.  Oh how it makes me grateful for the few who really want to know the stories, who really want to know the names, who really want to take the time, who really want to know the heartbreak and joy that consumes my thoughts each and every day since returning! To those who have listened, I have cherished those meaningful conversations more than I you know, as they truly are what has helped me process through it all! My gratitude runs deep!  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all who have asked, even if only to be polite, it's just that my eyes have seen things and my heart has felt things that have rocked me to my core, so I can't possibly sum up all that is churning inside me in a 20 second response. I only wish everyone could go and see and hear and feel and smell what I've been privileged to, then you'd understand. I'm changed. Uganda changed me. So, instead of putting this pressure on myself to cram all my thoughts into one post, I think I'm gonna ease into this and do several posts as I process through it all. For today, here is what is heavy on my heart...

I walked away from Uganda realizing that I don't know jack! I don't know jack about the cultural gap that exists between us, especially in regards to marriages, parenting, education, and work! I don't know jack about the hurt that comes with the gut wrenching stories that hide behind the sweet faces we met! I don't know jack about solutions to corrupt government policies! I don't know jack about the despair that comes with constant hunger, wondering where your next meal will come from! I don't know jack about any of this because my life is so far removed from these issues! (And for the record, I don't want my life to be so far removed, I want to close in this gap of understanding!) But the truth is, because of our drastically different lifestyles, I found myself completely stripped of anything and everything I thought I had to offer! I had no solutions, I had no wisdom, and I definitely had no grounds for even pretending to understand the difficulties they face each and every day! This left me feeling pretty inadequate, vulnerable, and overwhelmed. This left me exactly where God wanted me, with NOTHING to offer BUT HIS LOVE AND HIS TRUTH! The best part about God's love and His truth is... it trumps all culture! (thank you Mama Bishop for reminding me of that!) So while I don't know jack about a whole heckava lot... there is true freedom found in the realization that God's love fills in the giant gap of my understanding! Sometimes it's the only solid ground there is to stand on! 

1 Corinthians 13:13 "Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is LOVE."

Revealing

My blogging life stinks right now! I hear this nagging little voice in my head whispering, "Sheesh Hil (this whispering voice also substitutes my name with "slacker"), sure has been a while since you last posted anything! Don't you think it's about time for a deep heart-felt post?! After all, as everyone knows, your blogging consistency and substance measure where you're at spiritually!!!" Ha! Thank goodness that's not true! Regardless this nagging whisper leaves me with a defeated sigh and shrug of the shoulders because while I'd love to spend each week knocking out a post on all the thoughts God is stirring in my heart and the ways at which I see Him at work right now, the truth is, life is busy! Rest assured, God is good, and He's at work... even when the posts are far and few between! 

I've been busy preparing and planning for the sections I'll be teaching the Ugandan women at the conference we're hosting with Hessed International the second week we're in Uganda. So it turns out, no surprise here, "teaching" is NOT one of my spiritual gifts. This has forced required me to really immerse myself (more than the average person probably) into the material and scripture I'll be teaching in order to be prepared. Initially this desperate hope to soak in every ounce of knowledge related to "Marriage Building Strategies"(the topic I'm covering) was rooted in the mere fact that I didn't want to look like a complete buffoon in front of this group of women. Fear. It's gripping. But in classic God fashion, He has used my frenzied, fear driven, study habits, to gently reveal more of who He is to me. 

For instance.... He has used this time to remind me that I will NEVER stop learning! It is a foolish thing for me to assume that I know all I need to know on a certain topic... marriage building strategies for instance! As I read (and re-read) and digest all the material I'm covering I continually find myself awakened to new perspectives and to different attributes of Christ that I had yet to discover! So while my initial motive in digging deep into this material was so that I looked all prepared and rock-star teacher-like, God has used this time to nudge me and gently say, "I still have things to teach YOU too Hilary!". So when it comes to communication, conflict, prayer, and romance in the context of marriage... just know, I'm no pro! (o; 

God has also used this time of preparation to expose more of how He has uniquely created me.  It all started with me realizing that I repeatedly kept turning to Joshua in the middle of studying and would rattle off a list of insecure questions..."You're teacher, how the heck do I do this?! How would you present this? Would you use an outline? Should I just do it lecture style like you do? If only they had powerpoint in Africa, you could totally help me make an awesome powerpoint presentation to get this idea across, right?! Huh, huh, huh?!?!". Annoying right?! Thankfully I have a patient husband! Here's the deal, it doesn't flippin' matter how Joshua, my amazing teacher husband, would do it!!! What matters is how God wants ME to do it! So that has left me on my knees, begging for God to reveal how He can best use ME to convey what HE knows these women need to hear. He knows the way I'm wired and He knows the best way I communicate with people- heck He created me! So instead of trying to take on someone else's teaching style, I'm just asking God to use the way He made me to most effectively stir the hearts of the women there. And you know what? He's doing just that, revealing little features about my personality that I am confident in and teaching ideas are coming to mind that line up with that! I absolutely LOVE that we serve a God who uses each of our strengths and weaknesses in different ways! The peace that has come in truly soaking in this realization, is freeing! He keeps reiterating that what's most important is that I'm willing to be used. May I be your hands and feet and voice God! 

Before I wrap this post up, I could for sure use any and all prayers that I would remember to talk sssslooow! I talk fast to begin with and when I'm nervous, I shift into hyper mode- I can just see the blank stares of confusion now! Yes they speak english in Uganda, but our accents are so different, no doubt there is a bit of a language barrier. Seriously, when Joshua came home from Uganda this past time and we were watching all his video footage, we were like 5 minutes into it before I said, "Oh! Wait, are they speaking english!?!"... it's a thick accent folks! So I'm guessing they think ours sounds funny too! All that to say, I need to talk slow and I need prayers! (o; 

Listen to the beautiful voices of Uganda in this video from when Joshua visited Amazima back in July! 

Uganda Prep Time

In less than 4 weeks I'll be on a plane... Uganda bound! Woot Woot! The excitement is building and the prep work is under way! This past weekend the entire Uganda team was able to get away for 24 hours for a time of planning and team building.

(Side note: bare with me on this little tangent... ) While some of you might cringe at the thought of "team building" and roll your eyes to cheesy ice breakers, I'll have you know- I LOVE IT and truth be told,  deep down I wish every social situation in life required people to be silly and get uncomfortable for the sake of breaking down the ridiculous walls we have up in our lives! You see, this passion I have for team building is in my blood, it's inevitable when you work at a camp for 5 years! I mean, think about it, day in and day out, I was surrounded with people playing goofy games that had awesome names like "Giants, Dwarfs, and Wizards" and "Mosquito Tag", and "The Borg", along with "Rapid Fire"(my favorite, I might add!), and "Lilly Pad Landing" and the ever so popular "Chubby Bunny"! Oh and don't even get me started about the fun we can have with trust falls, and blind hikes, and the spider web! Makes me smile just thinkin' about it! (Oh how my inner-dork is shining through right now!)

Okay, I'm back! Thanks for sticking with me, back to this weekend! As you might have guessed, my heart was happy because Friday evening consisted of "get to know you" games, and a team building exercise!

We went around the table taking turns reading random and funny facts about one another that each of us had turned in prior to the retreat. We had to guess who said what. I'm always amazed at the things I learn about people and I'm even more amazed at how quirky people are! From one person's favorite childhood food being the school's cafeteria salisbury steak to another person who has a deathly fear of velvet/velour?! Gotta love it!

Team building exercise: We were each given a role to play, and our objective was to get from one house to the other where our "safe zone" was in under 20 minutes. My "role" was that I had no legs, obviously unable to walk, but I couldn't mention that I had no legs to anyone. If any of us mentioned what our role/aliment was, then we had to start all over. The group consisted of someone who was blind, someone with with no arms, someone who had paralyzing panic attacks, someone who was deaf, a nay-sayer, someone who fainted every time the nay-sayer disagreed with the group, an 85 year old who was only able to say "huh, I didn't hear you", and a headstrong leader who told others what to do and thinks they're always right. Well... you can only imagine how difficult communication was given our aliments! Hence me getting dropped by Carrie here because she had to faint while carrying me because Nancy, the nay-sayer, disagreed with our plan of action!

So here I'm rethinking how in the world I'm going to get someone to carry me all the way over to the other house! Notice  Nancy, the nay-sayer yelling, "No! This is not a good idea!" She played the role well! As we started to figure out everyone's roles based on their behavior, we were able to communicate a little better- but it wasn't very pretty, that's for sure!

This is the oh so eloquent "hand off" of legless Hilary... to the blind man, mind you! Yes folks, that's right- after much deliberation it was determined that the only one strong enough that was able to carry me was the BLIND guy! He had to have his eyes closed the entire time and carry me outside, in the dark, along an uneven stone walkway! Talk about nerve racking! Shawn (blind guy), you most definitely got your work out for the night! Sorry I ate so much for dinner, that had to have added a pound or two! (o;

I made sure the others kept Shawn (blind guy) on the path! But quite honestly, I'm not sure the others were of much help considering (Brett, to my right) had no arms and couldn't catch me if I fell, (Bekah to my left) was getting more scared with every step leading to a full blown panic attack, (Nancy, behind me) disagreeing with every word spoken, and (Jeff, behind me) was just busy bossing us all around. I'm glad to announce that we did in fact make it to our "safe zone" all alive and uninjured! And I'm pretty sure we're all closer for it!

Saturday consisted of quality time digging into the material we'll be teaching while in Uganda for the conference that we're hosting for Hessed International's Ugandan pastors and their wives.  The ladies from our team will be teaching on marriage (my section is on Successful Marriage-Building Strategies- Joshua particularly likes the chapter I teach on "Keeping Your Romance Alive"... such a guy!) and we're also teaching on Health and Hygiene (lot's of talk about germs and how they're spread & ways to conserve water). We were able to run through teaching our topic and get feedback from the group, which resulted in the unanimous decision that I talk too fast and need to slow down! (No surprise there!) But it was good to get a feel for how we want to present our lessons and hash through any questions we might have.

My favorite part about Saturday though was when we all shared our life stories with the group. Each of us went around the circle and vulnerably and honestly shared about how God had transformed our lives! There is something incredibly powerful about the testimony of 9 people, all from different walks of life, sharing the common thread of God rescuing us from our sinful self and witnessing the beauty that comes from His redeeming love! I am so honored to be going to Africa with this incredible group of imperfect people, who are desperately seeking God's story for their life! There is no doubt that God has woven this team together for His purposes, all with our different strengths and weaknesses to accomplish His work while we're in Uganda!


I'm so stinking grateful for our team leaders who put their precious time and effort into making this weekend happen.  Thank you for realizing the importance in getting away, even just for 24 hours, to establish team unity! Thank you to the rest of the team for showing up with open hearts and sharing the same passion for loving God and loving others! This trip... it's gonna be good!